Gary Brandt delivers his most emotionally devastating and spiritually profound chapter yet in this heartbreaking episode from The Dimension Of Mind Dot Com, where Sally's desperate need for comfort draws Penny into her bedroom for the most intimate and revealing conversation in the entire seriesâone lost soul clinging to another as Penny shares her own wedding day terror of 'dying and being reborn simultaneously,' trading away her individual dream ...
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Sally flopped down on her bed, staring up at the ceiling like it might hold some answersâwhich, let's be honest, it didn't.
She'd told the boys she needed some space to think things through, to try and make sense of all the absolutely insane stuff that had been dumped on her over the past few days. So there she was, sitting cross-legged on her bed, wiggling her toes and wondering what the hell any of this even meant, when suddenlyâthere it was. That familiar perfume, the kind of warmth that feels like coming home, and the gentle sensation of a brush gliding through her hair. "Hi Penny," Sally said with a tired smile, immediately snuggling up and resting her head on Penny's shoulder like she was five years old again.
"How are you holding up, sweetheart? I could feel you calling out to me. I can practically feel you falling apart inside. What can I do to help you get through this?"
Sally just melted into the embrace for a moment before finding her voice. "Have you ever felt like you were being ripped in half? Like part of you is stuck in the past, but the rest is being yanked into the future, and everything in between is just this confusing mess that makes absolutely no sense?"
Penny actually laughed at that. "Oh honey, you just perfectly described my wedding day."
"Really? Tell me about it, please. I want to hear everything." Sally's voice had that eager quality of someone desperate for any kind of connection to make sense of her own chaos.
"Well, Ben was quite the big shot in our little townâor at least, that's what my mother was convinced of. She was all for our relationship because of the social connections between our families. But it wasn't just her pushing itâI genuinely wanted it too. I was head-over-heels in love with Ben, and that feeling just kept growing stronger every single day.
Ben had started working in a print shop when he was just a kid, absorbing everything there was to know about printing, publishing, and all those incredibly complex machines that made it all happen. He was absolutely fascinated by those contraptionsâthese delicate, precision instruments that had to be calibrated just right, or the whole operation would crash and burn. If the morning paper didn't roll off the presses on time, the entire town would be in chaos. Ben loved those machines more than most people love their pets, and he actually went on to invent several new onesâfaster, more efficient, more reliable. His innovations made him something of a legend in the industry.
By the time our paths crossed, he was running the local newspaper, overseeing book and magazine production, with business connections stretching from coast to coast. I was about your ageâtwentyâand he was forty-six, which meant he had more than twice as many years under his belt as I did. But despite that age gap, he'd never actually been in love before. His heart had always belonged to his machines. So in a weird way, I was his first real relationship. And when we were together, those years between us just seemed to disappearâwe were simply two people figuring out love for the very first time.
Getting to know Ben felt as natural as breathing, like maybe it had been God's plan all along for us to end up together. But on our wedding day? I felt exactly like you do right nowâlike I was dying and being reborn simultaneously. For the first time, it really hit me that I was trading away whatever future I might have had on my own to become Ben's wife. That would be my new identity from that day forward. Whatever I might have accomplished as just me would never see the light of day.
That's just how things worked back then. A woman found her man and poured her entire life into his, giving up her own dreams to become part of his world. I think I made the right choice, but in that moment, I felt exactly like you doâcompletely torn apart, like I was being dragged into a future I had virtually no control over."
Penny paused when she felt Sally's arms tighten around her, her whole body shaking with sobs. She could feel the tears soaking through her shoulder, the full weight of Sally's heartbreak pressing against her.
"It's okay, sweetheart," Penny whispered. "Just let it all pour out. Let all that pain flow right into me. I'll absorb it like a sponge and make it disappear. I'm right here with you, for as long as you need me to be."
Sally held on tight, her voice cracking with raw emotion. "God, I wanted that so desperately. I used to spend hours and hours daydreaming about my wedding day. I must have sketched out dozens of wedding dresses. I had the whole thing mapped outâexactly how it would go, what my kids would be like, even what their kids would be like. And now? It's all just... gone. All fucking gone.
"Don't get me wrongâI absolutely love the lake that you and Ben created, and I love everyone in our little community there. But ever since I showed up, I've felt like there's this huge piece of me that's just missing. I don't fantasize about weddings anymore. When I think about the boys, they're just friendsâI never picture them as potential boyfriends or lovers. We might crack jokes about sex, but it's never serious. When we finish hanging out, we just go our separate ways without giving it a second thought.
"There's so much that just... isn't there anymore. We eat, but we never need to use the bathroom. Nobody gets older. There are no babies, no schoolsâno real future to speak of. Every single day is identical to the last, just repeating over and over, and we don't even question it. We just keep going through the motions, like characters frozen in a painting, wearing these blank smiles, completely oblivious to the fact that we're not actually real.
"But then I come here to Powder Junction, and suddenly I'm ravenous all the time, stuffing my face with everything I can get my hands on. I catch myself checking out every cute guy that walks by. I have to pee constantly, I'm sweating, I smell bad, I have to shower twice a day, and I'm genuinely terrified of getting chubby and losing my looks.
"By the way, thank you so much for packing all those outfits for meâand for making sure everything coordinates perfectly! The shoes, the purses, all of it. You're absolutely the best! I honestly don't think I would've made it here without them.
"But here's the really weird partâspending time with John from hicksville Oregon and Michael from his Wild West fantasy, I'm starting to pick up their speech patterns! I used to be able to put together coherent, well-structured sentences, but now? Yeah, not so much.
"And something even more bizarre just occurred to meâhere I am, having this entire conversation with you in English, like it's the language I grew up speaking. But it's not! My first language is Japanese! And yet somehow, I only think and speak in English now. How does that even make sense?"
Sally's eyes were puffy and bloodshot, but at least the waterworks had finally stoppedâfor the moment, anyway.
Sally sat there in silence for a while, letting her mind wander through old memoriesâones she hadn't revisited in ages. When she finally spoke again, her voice was quieter, more reflective.
"You know what? I think I'm starting to understand how my grandmother must have felt when she was young. Damn it! There I go againâremembering someone who meant the world to me, but who I haven't thought about in forever.
"She grew up during this crazy time when everyone was obsessed with conspiracy theoriesâyou know, stories about aliens visiting Earth, government cover-ups, secret plots running the world from the shadows. After decades of investigation and research, it was finally 'officially proven' that all of it was just mass hysteria, that none of it had any basis in reality. But then... we actually met themâthe real off-worlders. And everything just completely fell apart. Politics became meaningless, organized religion collapsed. Humanity started looking to these new beingsâsome of whom were actually human like us, just from a different timeâas if they had all the answers we'd been searching for.
"But as we got to know our so-called 'gods' better, we realized they were just as screwed up as we were. They had their own drama, their own wars happening all across the galaxy. Just when we were starting to find our footing again, to feel comfortable with who and what we were, everything shifted once more.
"And that's exactly how I feel right now. Just like Grandmaâwatching everything I thought I understood crumble to pieces, only to be replaced by new 'truths' that fall apart the second I examine them too closely."
Penny reached over and gently tucked a stray piece of hair behind Sally's ear.
"Ben explained to me that this placeâjust like Earth wasâis what he calls a realm of selective awareness," she said softly. "When we arrive here, we automatically adjust our perception to match this reality. You weren't thinking about your grandmother because, until this moment, that memory wasn't something you needed access to.
"And you're not actually speaking English or Japanese right now. You're communicating in the original language of consciousness itselfâthat's your real native tongue. It only appears to be English because most of us here originally spoke it back on Earth. But even this universal language has its constraints, which is why certain concepts are still nearly impossible to put into words.
"The lake is a place for souls to rest and recharge between their lifetimes on Earth. It's absolutely realâjust not in the same way that Earth is real. Think of this place more like a rest stop on a very long road trip. Except for Ben and me, nobody here was ever supposed to make it their permanent home. We're all still connected to Earth, and this place is just one of many support stations that help sustain life there.
"But everything changed the moment you showed up. And now, our entire reality is starting to come apart at the seams."
Sally looked up with tired eyes. "So... what happens next?" she asked. "What if Pat and I completely fail? What if no matter how hard we try, we just can't pull it off?"
Penny let out a long sigh. "There's been serious talk about relocating. We've been scouting other Earth-like planets, but honestly, we haven't found anything that even comes close to what Earth was. Most of what we've discovered are these primitive worldsâplanets that would need to be completely seeded with life from scratch. And even then, we'd have to wait eons for anything resembling human civilization to develop. And even if that somehow worked out, it would never be the same as what we lost.
"Some of us have actually been through this kind of upheaval before. There was a time when Mars could support life, but when that planet could no longer sustain it, those souls had to migrate to Earth. But they never really fit in properly. They had evolved as Martians, and Earth followed a completely different evolutionary timeline. So when those souls were reborn into human bodies, they carried with them this forgotten essence of a past existence that didn't quite mesh. They didn't understand why, but they always felt like outsiders.
"Some of them channeled that restlessness into becoming great warriors, leaders, writersâdriven, maybe, by this constant sense of not quite belonging. Others, though, ended up completely lostâoutcasts, wanderers, the people you'd find sleeping in doorways and alleys.
"Over the centuries, we've had visitors from other corners of the universe, from parallel dimensions, even from higher planes of existence entirely. Some of them became our most profound teachers and guides. Othersâtrapped in their own spiritual amnesiaâbecame our most heartbreaking casualties.
"If we end up having to relocate, it'll be exactly the same story all over again. We could try to integrate into some advanced civilization, but we'd be the foreignersâthe aliensâstruggling to understand their customs and way of life, never truly fitting in. If we settled on some undeveloped world, we might end up existing as part of the natural landscape itselfâliving as the forests, the oceans, the wildlife.
"And while that might sound kind of peaceful, we've become completely addicted to the complexity of being intelligent, self-aware creatures. We crave the ability to remember our past experiences, to actively shape our future outcomes.
"That's why we're clinging to this hope so desperately. The possibility of actually restoring Earth, of bringing it back to lifeâthat means everything to us."
Penny's voice trailed off, leaving them both in contemplative silence.
Sally sat there quietly, swinging her legs back and forth like a kid on a playground swing. She stared down at her toes, wiggling them in random patterns while her mind processed everything.
Penny shifted closer, resting her head on Sally's shoulder and giving her a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
"I know this is incredibly difficult. I know it feels like it's tearing you apart from the inside," Penny said quietly. "I also know you're probably asking yourself, why me? And I know the entire weight of this decision is sitting squarely on your shoulders. But I need you to really hear me when I say thisâthis is your choice and yours alone to make.
"If this is too overwhelming, if this burden is more than you can carry, you absolutely do not have to do it. We will find our way back to happiness through some other path. And nobodyânot a single personâwill judge you if you decide to walk away from all of this. Our love for you isn't conditional on you saving the world."
Sally took a deep, steadying breath. Her eyes, though still a bit red around the edges, looked clearer and more focused now.
"Yeah... alone. That's exactly how this feels," she said, her voice steady but carrying a new sense of resolve. "Part of me wishes someone would just make the decision for me, you know? But more and more, I'm realizing that I have to figure this out myself. For whatever cosmic reason, this choice is mine to make.
"But noâI'm going to do this. I don't know if it's my destiny or fate or whatever, but I do know that if I walk away now, I'll spend the rest of eternity wondering what might have happened. And if we failâif Earth really is lost foreverâand we all have to relocate somewhere else... if you end up reincarnated as a whale and I come back as a dolphin, I'll whistle our special song when we pass each other in the ocean. And somewhere deep inside, we'll recognize each other.
"Because what we haveâthis loveâit's part of forever."
Later that evening, Sally found herself alone in her room again, feeling like the entire weight of the universe was pressing down on her shoulders. She felt completely out of her elementâlike a fish flopping around on dry land, gasping for air, unable to grab onto anything familiar or stable. She had no idea where to go from here.
But here's what she did knowâshe was here, right now, in this moment. There would be an evening to get through, then a night of sleep, then a morning would come. And after that, there would be breakfast with these people she was growing to love more deeply every single day.
She couldn't solve the grand mysteries of existence. She couldn't force all the puzzle pieces to fit together into some perfect picture.
But she could take the next step, whatever that turned out to be.
She slipped into one of the beautiful nightgowns that Penny had thoughtfully packed for her, grabbed her favorite soft feather pillow, and settled in for the nightâready to slip into yet another universe in the endless realm of dreams.
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